mR. hYDE’S wILD rIDE: CRIMES Stealing a mood ring from a drug store but every time she wore it, it turned as black as her guilty heart. She was caught trying to return the ring. Graffiti art-ing public property. “Alleged” criminal damage at one of the UK’s most well known budget hotel chains. Deliberate theft of Gran’s Ferrero Rocher chocolates. Shot a man in Reno. Indecent exposure. Stealing a cravat from Michael Caine. Persistent nuisance, public self-groper, charlatan. Embezzling band funds. Stealing Kisses Cat burglar. Stealing hearts. Taking candy from a baby. Jewel thief. Crimes against fashion. Contraband smuggled in beard. Killed “The Stranglers” Taking life way too seriously. I went to the zoo and I saw a monkey. He asked me to get him out of there so I let him out. We stole a big red bus to get away. But the monkey drove it into a pond. The police caught me. The monkey got away. I think he will be ok. Biscuit thief. Riding my bicycle with a broken tail light in the dark. Attempting to bribe the Bishop of Carshalton. Looking like a thug. Drove way too fast in a taxi. Failure to deviate from society. Running them out of lobster at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Downloading Piney music for free. Alien Packer in Vikingland. Contributing to obesity of squirrels in Apple Valley. Alien Viking in Packerland. Poaching. Paying full price. Mass consumption of Red 40 dye. Unlawful pirating of electrical grid. Identity theft – claiming to be “Elsa” from Frozen. Verbal harassment at little league events. Too many haircuts in one month. Underage standup comedian. Jay-walking. Waking up before noon. Embezzlement. Mail Fraud. Whiskey theft. Killing weeds. Telling bad jokes. Murdering mice. Eating too much chocolate at Christmas. Playing drums in the middle of the night. Stealing all the Mr. T cereal. Identity theft: impersonating Shane MacGowan. Burned all her boyfriend’s records when she caught him cheating… and is NOT SORRY! Underage drinking. High treason. Indecent exposure. Indecent exposure. Murdering the Vicar in Midsomer Fettle. Stealing Miss Marple’s handbag. Lusting after horror comics, gluttony of platform shoes, greed for 7″ singles, slothful when it’s cold outside, wrathful over dealing with arseholes, envious of that which should have been, prideful of her splendid hat collection. Robbing an Office Max. Cheating on a Don Quixote test at uni by reading a children’s version. Kangaroo rustling. Making false representations. Eating a dead mouse. Shoplifting in Poundland. Sheep bothering. Heisting a taco truck. Inciting dancing at a venue without a cabaret license . Eating too much Halloween candy while pregnant. Selling gelato on the black market. Kissing in public. Prideful of splendid hat collection. Underage driving. Hit and run: crashing a car into a bakery. Drunk and disorderly conduct. Intense dislike of small dogs. Broke into Buckingham Palace and rode a horse round the gardens whilst under the influence. Crimes of passion. Crimes of passion. Improper use of time travel. Handling salmon in suspicious circumstances. Fixing boxing matches. Murdered a man with a spoon. Assaulting a goose at Hackney City Farm, claiming it was self defence. Identity theft. Arrested for beating a rug in the street. (Section 60, Metropolitan Police Act 1839) Arrested for wilfully and knowingly killing and eating one of Her Majesty’s Mute Swans. (Wildlife and Countryside Act of 1981) Trespassing. Stole a cheese pie and then killed everyone. I made my lover kill my husband so I could get my hands on the money and get rid of both of them. Interfering with badgers. Stolen the best mug in the whole shop without paying. Psychedelic meanderings. Speeding at 156 mph in the middle of town trying to get to a Piney Gir gig. Killing and eating a swan. Entering the Houses of Parliament in a suite of armour. Driving the getaway car from the famous robbery of Hatton Garden. Hatton Garden robbery accomplice. Masterminding the famous robbery of Hatton Garden.